Well my brain has picked up and moved out. Beyond getting through the regular motions of my day there is nothing going on upstairs right now… I’ve gotten sick of staring down blank pages and empty computer screens. By the time I muster up the mental power needed to put a few words down I’m so exhausted with the effort that my pregnant body shuts down and instanap. I fall asleep with my laptop balancing on my belly. I’m trying to accept that it’s where I’m at today, as hard as it is.
While I wait for my mind and my ability to write anything at all to come back at least I get to look at cute baby stuff. That helps a bit.
This stuffed bunny has a nice story. When my mom was pregnant with me she bought a stuffed animal the very day she heard my heartbeat. She had a funny feeling about the bear when she saw him sitting on the shelf at the toy store. On her way home, she couldn’t even tuck him all the way in the shopping bag. She left his head peeking out. Mr. Bear became my most beloved toy when I was young. Of all the stuffed animals I had I picked him out especially.
Back to this little bunny… My mom bought him at a bookstore over the summer on a whim. When she saw him she had the same funny feeling she had when she first saw Mr. Bear. She decided she had to buy the rabbit for her future grandchild. My husband and I hadn’t mentioned that we were even thinking about having a baby. My dad of course told her it was crazy and that she shouldn’t pressure us into having kids and so on. But she bought the bunny, vowing she’d stash him away for whenever we did decide to have a baby. It turns out that I was five weeks pregnant the day she bought him. My mom’s intuition is uncanny.
Things that come in size tiny are also pretty adorable. It’s still hard to imagine that we will be putting these little booties on teeny feet that are already growing.
Morning View from the Lanai (c) Open Hearted
I found pure blissed out heaven this morning. We woke up to this view from the back porch of the tiny cottage we rented in Kauai. H and I planned this trip with about five days notice deciding on a whim that we needed to get up and out of San Francisco for a while. H is in between jobs and headed in to a challenging work environment. We’re staring down the last three months of my pregnancy before our family becomes three. Time keeps rushing by us at breathtaking speed. We needed to create a calm moment for ourselves. I’m hoping we find even greater joy on the other side of this birth, but the uncertainty and total relinquishment of control is stressful.
We came to Kauai for our honeymoon a year and a half ago and it was less than a perfect trip. The hotel was like a parking lot in the middle of a golf course (stay away from the Westin Kauai). We hadn’t done much research on the weather and weren’t prepared for the dramatic thunderstorms common on the North Shore. The emotional overwhelm of the wedding made it really hard for me to relax and enjoy. I was overjoyed to be married to H, but the sheer overload of feelings around the wedding left me a little shell-shocked. Ever since we finished that trip, I’ve wanted a redo on our honeymoon. Now became the perfect time.
Coming back I had a completely different attitude, open to whatever experience was in store for us. This morning I found the peace and stillness that I usually only get for a moment or two at the end of a really great yoga practice. I wish I could find this kind of joy and stillness in the midst of my every day life in San Francisco – tap into gratitude and find the beauty and joy in the every day. We’re only on day one of the trip and I know I’ll come home restored, my well filled up again to overflowing. It will be more than enough to sustain me through this next transition and I’m very grateful for that.
Every day is a good day. I try to remember that as often as I can, but I usually only remember it on the really wonderful days or the really terrible days. Thankfully today was a wonderful one. I don’t know exactly what it is, but I feel like I hit my stride today. I’ve found some level of acceptance with all of the physical changes brought about by the pregnancy – nonexistent energy, an increasingly round body, psychotic hormones, brain fog and more. With a lot, a lot, a lot of mindful practice I’m doing a better job of staying in the moment too. If I don’t, I get swept up in all of the uncertainty of not knowing what my life is going to be like in four months when our family of two becomes three.
I have to learn over and over again that worrying doesn’t actually accomplish anything. I read somewhere (and ha! just remembered where) that worrying is meditating on a bad outcome. My first thought was well of course. This simple way of framing worrying has changed things for me so much. It helped me get over it by seeing how much energy I pour into things not working out how I want them too.
I think the other big piece of feeling so good lately has been tapping back into gratitude. I read this woman’s story the other day (be warned it had me in tears). It’s a really powerful example of finding the gift in a really hard situation and tapping into the gratitude. When I remember to be thankful, I remember that I have enough of everything I need, that I am enough just as I am. It helps everything.