Having a baby tilted the axis of my world. I don’t intend for this to become a “mommy blog,” but at the moment my baby is pretty central to everything. If I want to be honest about living with an open heart and write about that, then I have to own up to the fact the she’s got a monopoly on my heart right now (and my brain and my time and my boobs…). It won’t be that way forever, but to be true to where I am right now most of my writing here will probably be more about life with a baby than usual.
Two Weeks In – March 27
Making it through one day at a time. I look at the clock and chunks of time fly by. Last time it was 10 am. Now it’s 3 pm. I’m still in my pajamas, baby is still in her pajamas. I made myself a poor excuse for a lunch and did the dishes. Huge victory. We had some snuggle time in the morning. Sometimes I wonder how I’ll keep going like this day after day. On demand nursing, means on demand. You never know when what you think might be a three or four hour break during a nap, dissolves into feedings every forty-five minutes.
I’m a mama. I’m actually a mother now. Somehow it feels perfectly natural and totally foreign all at the same time. At moments I panic. I have to do this every day? Keep a tiny human being alive? Feed her, change her, respond to her cries, wake up when she needs to eat, change another diaper moments after I’ve put on a clean one? How do I do this? And find time to do one thing for myself? And work? And talk to my husband? It’s so much right now. I’m overwhelmed. She needs everything from me. I freely give everything too as overwhelmed as I feel. I look into her sweet little almond shaped eyes and I’m high in the clouds. The little nose, long tiny fingers, frog-like feet, perfectly round head, soft fine hair, and the smell. Oh the smell of her newborn head. I’m drunk on it. It’s like falling in love for the first time on some psychedelic drug that amplifies every feeling and emotion.
The general sleep deprivation is pretty tough though. I try not to calculate how much actual sleep I get – or don’t get – in a night. It makes it easier to gloss over it. The postpartum pain is a bitch too. I hurt in places I was unaware of before delivering a baby. I hope it goes away. I need to walk. I want to be outside in the sun. I want to do yoga without worrying about tearing my stitches.
I wonder, how will I do this again tomorrow? And the next day and the one after that? Right now we’re making it through day by day. We’re doing whatever we need to do to get through this one day. That’s good enough, even if it means watching everything on Netflix. Or laying on the couch all day alternating between feedings and naps.