Stripping Away

I’m tired of hiding.

I spend so much time covering up.  Thinking and rethinking the words I want to say. Weighing their potential outcome. Measuring whether they’re valuable. Talking myself out of saying anything at all. It’s too much work this not being enough.  What shape am I forcing myself into and for what? For fitting in, for avoiding awkward situations, for looking acceptable to the outside world, so that I am indeed accepted as me.  That’s not me though the filtered facade I put out there.

I hide my wit, my sense of humor, my goofiness.  I hide my deep feelings and sensitivity, playing un-phased all the time.  I hide my fears, faking strong. I hide my worries, to appear to have it all together.

I’m so done with maintaining appearances.  I can’t do it anymore. But why then is it a thing so deeply ingrained in me. I can’t possibly separate from it without ripping out the other vital systems that keep me going.  It’s become such a part of me there will be this gaping hole without.

I hide in the shadows. Out of view, out of judgment. Those who stay in the shadows get judged all the same though.  We end up being judged by what we withhold.

I want to show myself, be myself, just as I am.  Not scared but brave, owning my story, my voice, my self.  Not apologizing for it, just living it.  It’s too fucking tiring to try any other way.