I wrote about depression a few days ago, and it was a funny thing. Rereading the post I thought to myself, “wow, I’m feeling pretty good.” I even wrote that I hadn’t suffered a bout of depression since I got married. Famous last words. Well, I’ve learned my lesson beacuse it seems to have reared it’s very ugly head over the past few days.
Perhaps it’s the death of my grandfather, making me realize life is short. Perhaps it was getting a glimpse of what living my dream life would feel like. Then heading back to work on Monday and having reality hit me hard in the face, like an iron. Perhaps it’s hormones, that make me blue and irritable and unstable – pretty much one quarter of my life.
I’ve been feeling dragged down, teetering on the edge of falling back into a dark, black hole. I have an issue running from emotions. There are only two things that happen when you run from emotions. One – you speed away from them and they loom larger and larger in your rearview mirror until they’re so scary you can’t keep your eyes on the road any longer and you crash. Two – you ignore them completely and drive along la-di-da until a cement highway divider of emotions comes out of nowhere and you crash into at 60 miles an hour, your car wrenched in two right down the middle.
This is an attempt to just sit, and say hey big scary depressive feelings. I see you. I know you lie to me, and you’re probably going to shove me down into that black, hole when I’ve got my back turned. But I’m alright, I got this. I’ve climbed out of the hole many times, and I get better and better at it each time I have to. (Note: my depression is usually of the mild variety and I haven’t had to go on medication.) There are a number of things that help me keep depression at bay:
- Fresh air and sunlight
- Keeping the house clean
- Eating well
- Ditching alchohol
I feel like my insides have been vaccuumed out, and there’s nothing inside. I will force myself to go through the motions of taking good care of myself, no matter how pointless it feels. These little actions add up overtime I know, and eventually help me find my way out of the fog.