I completely and utterly underestimated how uncomfortable it is to live with your heart wide open. In hindsight it seems naive and foolish of me to have overlooked this more painful side of change and learning to be myself. I expected a bit of it of course, but not quite as much as it has been. Sitting in something that’s totally unfamiliar, not at all sure what to do with yourself. Hate that. It really doesn’t look good on me. I feel myself trying to run from that kind of situation one million different ways – burying myself in my day job, procrastinating, fixating on some other issue to distract myself.
Then yesterday I came across a quote that was clearly a message from the universe. It was enough to make me stop, realize what I was doing, and bring myself back to this little spot of icky, uncomfortable, but desperately yearned for change. Now of course I can’t find the quote. I think it was from Geneen Roth (one of my favorite authors, who writes about women and freeing ourselves from complicated relationships with food). It was something along the lines of it’s easy to want to change, but few people are willing to go through the discomfort that’s required to actually change. I’m sure I’ve garbled it, but that’s the general idea. Anyway I got the message, I had to actually do something, take some action if I wanted to change. For me, that means leaning in to the discomfort and sitting down with it. That’s a first step, and I’m alright with that for now. It brought me here tonight, and I’m writing.
I’m here writing, even though part of me cringes to sit down and admit this. Part of me wonders, what am I doing here anyway. I’m not going to let that critic scare me away, I’m staying, pulling up a comfortable chair and setting down. I’ll stay and see what happens. The pain of change won’t last forever. The transformation from living open-hearted will. I’ve got to trust in the process.