“Nothing is worth more than this day” – Goethe
I’ve been procrastinating more than normal. I’m a queen procrastinator, but I seem to have reached all new levels. The above is a quote that’s on the cover of an old journal, one that I always remember. There are so many cliches and quotes on the idea that the greatest gift we have is today. But I find myself going back again and again to the concept, when I need a little jolt of something to wrench me away from the TV. (Having 12 seasons of Law and Order: SVU at my finger tips, thanks to Netflix, has not helped in the procrastination department.)
Even writing this post, I’ve now checked iTunes six or seven times to find the perfect song to listen to while I write… sigh. Why do I procrastinate? Sometimes I start to think, why bother? Why work so hard at chasing dreams I think might not ever materialize? Instead of taking a small step towards something I want, like finishing a chapter in the book I’m writing, I hide. I hide behind the half bottle of wine that is now missing. I hide behind the third episode of Law and Order that just ended. I hide behind the entire box of Velveeta Shells that I’ve just polished off, though I’m not the least bit hungry.
In my experience, fear tends to be the culprit behind procrastination. The little voice of doubt and fear whispers, and then procrastination sets in at full tilt covering up the real perpetrator. I become too busy chastising myself for procrastinating to see that what’s really going on is that I’m afraid.
What am I afraid of? I’m afraid that I’ll work so hard at writing, and eventually God willing, I’ll write some really beautiful stuff, but that I’ll never be a “successful” writer. What is a succesful writer, you ask? Well I’m really not sure. I’m afraid that I’ll never write anything good at all. I’m afraid that I’ll fail.
The only thing I am sure about is that I love writing, and it brings me joy to put one word after another down on the page, and tell something that wasn’t there before. I can’t influence what happens – I could be JK Rowling and I could completely and utterly suck. I do know that today it’s going to make me a lot happier to work on that chapter, than it is to sit and let my brain turn to mush in front of the TV, sloshed and stuffed.
I ended up finishing that chapter, and it felt great. So now to continue my spree you’ll see a few more posts that have been hiding in my drafts folder post shortly.
“How we spend our days is how we spend our life” – Annie Dillard